I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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