Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
