FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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