I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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