Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
