I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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