I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
