i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
