i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
