the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
