Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
