So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
