TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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