I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
