My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
