is your mom at the bar?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
