return my video game
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
