My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
