Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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