i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
