Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
