I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
