the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
