I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
