The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
