If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
