She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You pole danced in your parka.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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