The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
