I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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