We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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