Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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