butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
