I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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