the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
PANTIES FOUND
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
