he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
