wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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