This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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