Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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