you traded sex for a burrito?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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