my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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