I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Two words: blizzard sex
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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