My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
