I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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