Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
