My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
