dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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