I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he thought i was a dude.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
