Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
