yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
