Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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